Patrick's plan to get China to get good at soccer

If you read the last post, you all know my angst and confuzzlement that China isn't good at Soccer.

let me recap:

1) We have like 1,324,655,000 in China. Oh crap that's a shitton of people!! Here are some population comparisons: South Korea has 48,607,000, North Korea has 23,818,753, and Japan has 127,704,000. CHINA'S POPULATION IS IN THE BILLIONS! Even Ghana (pop 23,350,927) can produce a team. WHY CAN'T WE!?

2) We excel in so many things. We created fireworks. We even know how to stop the rain (see Beijing Olympics opening ceremony). I'm pretty sure we can find a way to field a great soccer team



So here's my proposal to get China a bombass team:

1) Be Realistic and Focus Less on other Sports! China loves the NBA. Why? Because of Yao Ming. But realistically, the average height of a typical NBA player is 6'7". The average height of a Chinese man is like 5'9". Yao Ming is the exception. Ergo, we should focus less on trying to send kids to these "sports academies" to learn to play bball, when they can focus on sports in their height range!!




Sports like Baseball is aiite, but it's not "worldly" enough. Coincidentally, the past two winners of the World Baseball Classic have been Japan and Korea. Again, how the fuck are they better @ sports than CHINA?

Olympic sports like Diving, Swimming, Gymnastics are cool and all...but only women's. I'd say keep women's swimming and diving (for obvious reasons)...gymnastics not so much or else I would be branded a pedophile.




2) Host the World Cup! The host of the World cup automatically makes it in (i.e. South Africa this year). Kudos to Ray Huang for coming up with this brilliant, yet overlooked, idea. If we were to host the World cup, we'd be automatically in!

3) Start attracting the Nigerian National team to Defect According to ESPN, the govt has already banned them from 2 years of international play. That gives us a short window to lure them to China, grant them citizenship, and then infuse our team with awesome talent and athleticism to complement our own!

4) Teach our players a little Shaolin Soccer Imagine of Stephen Chow's moves were put to use in real life. Oh hot damn! China would be unstoppable!!

Let's aim for the stars and kick some WORLD ASS

That is all for now, I should get back to work. Oh yeah, congrats to the Dutch for beating Brasil!! Go celebrate in the red light district when u get back :D Go Germany!

Why FIFA sucks and how I would fix it

Yes, FIFA sucks...Not saying soccer sucks but FIFA as an organization. How do you let these refs make so many wrong calls or miss so many calls, and tell everybody you're satisfied with the job?? fuckin ridiculous!

On another note, the World Cup is the prime example of everybody hates America. 1stly, as everybody should know by now, this Coulibaly douchebag from mali calls off our game-winning goal for this phantom offsides call. bull! not that it matters, cause we won the group anyways.

Secondly, did you see the way the Algeria fans were cheering about TYING us? They needed a win to advance, but they were plenty happy with just eliminating us from advancing?? That's so heartless...they are horrible..i would never wish something so bad on another country (haha, naw i would).

Now why is Patrick basically regurgitating world cup news even though we've been eliminated? Here's why. I believe that FIFA should hire me to be an official referee for the 2014 world cup. My plan would be to win their trust, and then totally eff over countries that dislike us. Countries like...Algeria, Ghana, France. That's basically it. Oh yeah, and i'd make sure if China ever miraculously made it into the world cup, I'd have them advance further than any asian team. that means that you are going down, N. Korea, S. Korea, and Japan! (BTW...how the fuck does a country so small and evil like North Korea have a team in the world cup and china doesn't??? it baffles me!)

FIFA needs a revolutionary referee like me to fight for the underdogs, like America, in the tournament.

I'll leave you with a pic of what I would do if I were on the national team, and the ref made a bogus offsides call:

I want to be a spy

The title says it all, but first things first, I need to get some obligatory first post things out of the way. So I thought in order to make it less boring, I'd write my intro in haiku:

I am from L.A.
Went to an All-guys high school
Totally kicked ass

Wanted to be fob
Grew up in White area
Chose UC Berkeley

Shit, stupid mistake
Asians here are real real smart
School kicked my ass hard

I work at Stanford
Working to cure disease soon
Back to kicking ass

SO! Now that my past 5 years have been summarized, now onto the cool part....I want to be a spy. Yeah, pretty damn lofty goal, but after my friend introduced me to Burn Notice (if you haven't watched it, WATCH IT. if u haven't heard of it, GET OUT OF THAT EFFING ROCK U LIVE UNDER AND WATCH IT), I thought, "Jeebus, Michael Westen is a BAMF. I want to be a BAMF...ergo, I should be a spy."


I'm already hella good at facebook stalking, as my friends can attest to. My skills are only paralleled by one person that I know (his name will remain anonymous, but I can tell you it starts with a J, and rhymes with Ray). So while i'm at work, I start thinking of my qualifications:


PATRICK's SPY RESUME:

1) Good at intelligence gathering: Give me the name of any person, and I can find information about him/her

2) I can blend into my environment I go to Berkeley and I'm asian. I'm pretty sure if I was chased by a bum or like the Mafia, and I made it on to campus, they would NEVER find me. Unless i were chased by the Yakuza or the Triad...then i'm royally screwed.

3) I am effing bad-ass Ok, this is a lil bit more self-proclaimed...but I'm getting there. I have trained under military supervision (it still counts when u hit the school gym and ur army buddy works out with u)

4) I have a tactical support team If you watch Burn Notice, Mike has Sam and Fiona. If 2 people is all he needs for a team, then i'm set. I have an army of people. Better watch out.

5) I have a car. I'd like to think it's a chick magnet, but I think i'm fooling myself. It's cool, I know how to drive it, and I can make it from Berkeley to Palo Alto in 50 minutes in rush hour. that's pretty slick driving skills



So yeah, i'm sure there are more things that would make me an awesome spy. Hope this satisfied u readers as a suitable 'first entry.' Peace out